Probably no blogging the rest of this week. really because of Nazis and the whole finals thing, but you'll be ok...the whole, maybe two people who read this.
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Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Sunday, December 17, 2006
The Most Lonliest Day of My Life.
Well as I thought, I fucked it up. My mind is not what it used to be. I remember the days when falling for someone was easy, but now it just seems impossible for me. I can surround myself with friends a plenty, but that doesn't make me feel any less lonely. Maybe if wouldn't push everyone away from me things would be easier. I look forward to the day I don't hurt someone because I think something might work. I don't have a clue when or where it is going to happen, but I doubt it is going to be anywhere near here in the sense of time and location.
I guess I got what I wanted anyway, depression. I can't help but hate myself now. At least I know it can only get better? I hope. If it doesn't then I might not get out of this one easily, but is that such a bad thing? I haven't done anything worth living so far. I am only 17 i guess you can't really expect some that young have accomplished anything, yet I feel that if I'm not doing something then I nothing. If I am not the best then I'm the worst, if I'm not important then I'm worthless. This seems like a flaw that if overcame would change who I really am. Still I can't go on living in this paranoia of the future. I seem to be trapped and in need of assistance, but I won't take your help. I guess its up to me to figure this one out. Just like always.
The Velvety Monkey
P.S. I'm sorry
I guess I got what I wanted anyway, depression. I can't help but hate myself now. At least I know it can only get better? I hope. If it doesn't then I might not get out of this one easily, but is that such a bad thing? I haven't done anything worth living so far. I am only 17 i guess you can't really expect some that young have accomplished anything, yet I feel that if I'm not doing something then I nothing. If I am not the best then I'm the worst, if I'm not important then I'm worthless. This seems like a flaw that if overcame would change who I really am. Still I can't go on living in this paranoia of the future. I seem to be trapped and in need of assistance, but I won't take your help. I guess its up to me to figure this one out. Just like always.
The Velvety Monkey
P.S. I'm sorry
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Surreptitiously Blogging...
Not having this computer is starting to make life boring, but when has it ever been that exciting. All I have been doing these past couple of days is eating, sleeping, riding with Tyler, and going to a magic show with Le Sam.
Finals next week. Not real sure how I'm gonna pull off great grades, but it is what I have to do. I think I need to learn a whole semester of Physics Monday, but other than that I should be okay, on the other hand, Algebra 2 and US History might kill me.
About the past post.
It seems like these year are the ones that determine our future, yet they're supposed to be fun years. How can such a stressful time be the happiest as well? These are no more special than any others, but these are just the years everybody remembers because it was such a stressful time and that stress made them remember it. In their minds this was a great time because they only remember the things that were fun, or these years could be special and magical like the fairies that fly around every night at 3:33, dancing and singing to each other. Eh, i tire of this subject, and i want BREAKFAST at lunchtime...
The Velvety Monkey
Finals next week. Not real sure how I'm gonna pull off great grades, but it is what I have to do. I think I need to learn a whole semester of Physics Monday, but other than that I should be okay, on the other hand, Algebra 2 and US History might kill me.
About the past post.
It seems like these year are the ones that determine our future, yet they're supposed to be fun years. How can such a stressful time be the happiest as well? These are no more special than any others, but these are just the years everybody remembers because it was such a stressful time and that stress made them remember it. In their minds this was a great time because they only remember the things that were fun, or these years could be special and magical like the fairies that fly around every night at 3:33, dancing and singing to each other. Eh, i tire of this subject, and i want BREAKFAST at lunchtime...
The Velvety Monkey
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Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Can I find some more misery?
Not a great December so far. I would love to be able to say that my life is going smoothly, but it is quite different. As of today, my life has been reduced to even more a slump. I am not supposed to use the computer because I have been having problems with my Japanese teacher. It is kind of hilarious actually: He thinks I'm effeminate. This strikes me as odd coming from the man who has such a bad lisp he could make crackers sound gay, and apparently being friends with Josh makes me gay. Even though, I am really quite sure that Josh is straight, but in his homophobic eyes any relation to the "Gays" makes you a homosexual. I guess all I can do is shrug it off. This drama, if thats what you want to call, is starting to get under my skin. I really just want people to back off for a week or so. I can't do anything anymore without my intentions being questioned. I really wish I could tell a few people off, not only because I'm mad at them, but because they need to be knocked down a couple notches. Its like the chips on peoples' shoulders only get bigger if unattended.
I want to bring up something that isn't related to anything that has been happening to me lately, well not to a meaningful degree. It just so happens to be indecision. Now I know we all can be indecisive, but some people just need to leave the familiar and leap for something new.
I don't know it just seems like these years are the where we have to start making choices I don't know I'll get more on this later.
The Velvety Monkey
I want to bring up something that isn't related to anything that has been happening to me lately, well not to a meaningful degree. It just so happens to be indecision. Now I know we all can be indecisive, but some people just need to leave the familiar and leap for something new.
I don't know it just seems like these years are the where we have to start making choices I don't know I'll get more on this later.
The Velvety Monkey
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Tuesday, December 12, 2006
This is such a pity...
Listening to Weezer lately. Don't know why, but all i do know is that life is coming soon. Really are any of us ready for that first big step? Some might know what they are going to do, where they're going, but i don't. Just a thought.
Today started off really bad. Well I should probably give a little back story. My Japanese teacher doesn't get along with me, as well as a few others, but I am used to rubbing some people the wrong way. Anyway he froze my grades for writing "WTF?!" on one of our assignments. The only reason I wrote this was because of the small children praying under pictures of kids playing and cars. This was supposed to be a joke; he apparently took it the wrong way. Back to today. I wake up late, 7:15-ish. Thats pretty bad when my bus gets to the stop at 6:50. I'm just not lucky lately. I would've gotten a ride from my sister, but she was busy with the baby, so I had to wait for Phil, side-note Phil works nights at a paper-mill 12 hours straight. Lets just say he wasn't too happy that I was the first person he saw when he got home. A silent car later I show up at school right before second hour, which is kinda funny because the lady at the attendance window didn't feel like writing me a pass, so she told me to "walk slowly". As I walked to my second hour I started to think of how much of a burden I actually am. When you think about it we teenagers are just sacks of disrespect and sarcasm. I don't like to be such a burden, but i can't help it when the only thing that will do is perfection, or as close as any of us can get. The high standards are getting to me. I know i need A's, yet I don't try any harder to receive them. Why? Is it just my way of giving up? No. I know that these are important years and if I don't try harder on my academics then life isn't going to be easier. Sometimes this trend of carelessness scares me. I kind of wonder if there is anything that will make me want again. Its like Rocky II except I'm not a boxer and I'm not the best at what I do; I just lost the "Eye of the Tiger" and I need an Apollo. Any applications?
The Velvety Monkey
Why Batman is better than Superman
Today started off really bad. Well I should probably give a little back story. My Japanese teacher doesn't get along with me, as well as a few others, but I am used to rubbing some people the wrong way. Anyway he froze my grades for writing "WTF?!" on one of our assignments. The only reason I wrote this was because of the small children praying under pictures of kids playing and cars. This was supposed to be a joke; he apparently took it the wrong way. Back to today. I wake up late, 7:15-ish. Thats pretty bad when my bus gets to the stop at 6:50. I'm just not lucky lately. I would've gotten a ride from my sister, but she was busy with the baby, so I had to wait for Phil, side-note Phil works nights at a paper-mill 12 hours straight. Lets just say he wasn't too happy that I was the first person he saw when he got home. A silent car later I show up at school right before second hour, which is kinda funny because the lady at the attendance window didn't feel like writing me a pass, so she told me to "walk slowly". As I walked to my second hour I started to think of how much of a burden I actually am. When you think about it we teenagers are just sacks of disrespect and sarcasm. I don't like to be such a burden, but i can't help it when the only thing that will do is perfection, or as close as any of us can get. The high standards are getting to me. I know i need A's, yet I don't try any harder to receive them. Why? Is it just my way of giving up? No. I know that these are important years and if I don't try harder on my academics then life isn't going to be easier. Sometimes this trend of carelessness scares me. I kind of wonder if there is anything that will make me want again. Its like Rocky II except I'm not a boxer and I'm not the best at what I do; I just lost the "Eye of the Tiger" and I need an Apollo. Any applications?
The Velvety Monkey
Why Batman is better than Superman
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