Sunday, November 25, 2007

Who Did You Think I Was...

So cold lately, outside and in, but its winter. What else is supposed to happen? The shivers are getting old though...

These late nights are becoming a bad habit of mine, but I just don't want to go to sleep. Its my enemy. I don't know why, but there is something about sleeping that just doesn't sound good. I guess I'd rather stay and write these stupid little things. So write them I will. This weekend was empty. A lot of the same old stuff, go to weston's, feel like a third wheel, drive home in freezing car and feel useless. I was always useless. She just gave me a false sense of purpose. Purpose. Its what we all struggle to understand. I could lie to everyone and say things are fine and dandy, but I find myself more often than not thinking of her more know than ever. The dumbest little things reminding me of her. A jewelry catalog. A freakin' ring made me go back to the walk-a-thon and what the kind of ring I was gonna buy someday. So much time spent with her on my mind...

It kills me that she is so happy to be rid of me. I was such a burden. I was so good to her.
No. This isn't all on me. Its on you. You never said anything to me. Ever. How am I supposed to know what I'm doing to bug you if all you do is tell the people who don't matter. Just tell me this is hard for you too and I'll feel so much better.

Freedom! Its mine and I don't know what to do with it. I sound like a broken record, but this is what its like up in the old noggin. *sigh*I'm going to shut up before I say more hurtful things.

Finish the Sentence.

Leave me behind...


TVM

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Do You Love Me?

That song has been stuck in my head for the past forever. It is driving me crazy. That question...that question is only asked in to situation: when you are truly questioning whether the person loves you or when you know they do and you want to hear them say it. Why am I singing that song so much? Is it because I want to know the answer or is it because I know it already? I don't know and that bugs me.

Hands off. No more of that you silly boys. Don't make me get angry with you.

In other words, I haven't seen any use in school recently. It seems like such a waste of time now. I can honestly say that I sleep in over a third of my classes. That is ridiculous! It is really starting to get to me. Everyday is another frustrating day of scholastic vacuity. If we keep setting the standards at the low end of the curve we are all going to be in a lot of trouble in the future, but I'll probably be dead by then, so it isn't may problem? Too bad I actually care, unlike the majority of people who ignore problems until the punch them in the face. Hard. I can't fix it, though I could help. Maybe instead of "could" it should be "should" it is a responsibility as a citizen, is it not? I doubt it is expected of people these days to solve problems, but back when I wasn't even a thought people cared about their country and the problems that "should" be solved. That is all gone now and only a small crowd miss it.

...Don't waste my time with your crying. I don't want to hear it anymore.

I'm wondering...do any of us have real enemies? I don't, unless you count Erin, but enemy number one is always me. I can't stand myself. I lack motivation, I'm lazy, too skinny, insensitive, brash, "rough around the edges" as some might say, anatagonistic, argumentative, indecisive, boring, messy, worried, jealous, depressing, pessimistic, and angry. Listing off faults about yourself is easy. Can you do it?

TVM