Red Light

Usually when I write these I have something to say...something to talk about. I just feel like talking about a great idea that definitely needs to be put into action soon.

I propose a weekly kickball game. Just like the good old days back on the playground...back when freedom was staying out past dark and when justice was just a short tantrum away. I know we can never truly be as we were back then what with jobs and such, but this might be your one chance to leave it behind, if not just for a few hours. If you are genuinely interested in this then you should say something or else this will never leave the ground and will forever be another one of those "shoulda, coulda, woulda" moments.

Back to the normal kind of note because I do have something to say.
Life is work. Well that and sleep. Not too into my second shift work schedule other than the fact that I get to sleep in, but even that has its downside. When I wake up after noon I can't help but feel like I wasted the day. No matter how late I stay out. I want to change shift soon and then I think life will improve.

Hey kids...we aren't in high school anymore, so why do I constantly hear about your problems? I don't mind listening to you talk about it, but when you start looking for friends to care by baiting your words...you're not being fair to them or yourselves...so what if life has you down its not the end of it all. If you truly lived "in the moment" why does the past always come up. If your motto is "fuck it" I would expect problems. If you think "Its summer why should I commit?" Then I would say because it is only fair to them and playing it safe is just another way of being selfish.
Just...
Say it,
Do it,
Stop it,
Feel it,
Give it,
Live it.

All-in or fold because you can only truly regret something you choose not to do.

Lonely Stranger

I'm not alone. I know this for a fact. If I wanted to I could go to any of them and tell them what is bugging me, but I won't. I should, but I can't. If I am getting tripped up over something as trivial as this...then well I don't know. I just know that I need to push past the thoughts of a little boy wishing because I know where I stand, but that doesn't stop me from hoping that I can make a difference and that is where this problem stems. Hope. It saves, but it makes us all so naive. It is one of the best things we have and I can't seem to hate it more at this point in time. When we get so wrapped up in our lives that we leave the best things behind...behind us to wait until we are ready we are truly at our most selfish state. Though be the the one left behind doesn't make you innocent because you are also wrapped up with yourself. I suppose there is nobody that isn't waiting, but from the outside there are the waiting and the waited upon. I have been both. I am both. We all have been both. We have been in that spot where everything moves faster than we want them to and we get left behind, or maybe you get so impatient that you move ahead of the pack hoping...rather gambling, on the chances of great things. Diving in head first is the best way to learn, yet it is also the fastest way to fall on your face.

You know when you just listen to music and not necessarily the words? Listen to the words and you'll find that I say more than I should.

Son's Gonna Rise

Looking back, I feel indifferent...everyone seems to have experienced love. For some reason I doubt its existence in my life. I have felt strongly for a few people in my life, but has it really been love? I'm wondering that tonight because love shouldn't be forgotten. Especially your first, but in a few years I'm not gonna remember any of you and it makes me worry about how I "love". Do I...do I love people? I would like to say so, but I've gotten so good at forgetting. If I deem it not worth remembering or just replace it with some useless bit of information was it really love? I am starting to think that it isn't. I could always tell myself to remember those people, but I don't think I should have to tell myself to remember.

Lovely little late night talks always get me thinking...especially when the past is brought up.
Avoiding it is far from effortless, but so very important...to me that is.

It was nice though...I need a reason to remember sometimes.

A Good Idea at the Time

Remember when I said I could right a bunch of little things about a lot of stuff....

Here it goes.

Battle Ground was a place I miss a lot of the time now, but looking back I see that it really only separates those who want to be something from those that can't help but fall into a rut.
Battle Ground is a place to get stuck and plenty of people I know have been trapped by it.

We had good times, but you never talk to anyone. You may think that you're complaining, but the only people who get bugged by complaining are those who don't care enough to listen.

You need to stop. You think you want to help people, but you are really looking out for one person...yourself.

You can't keep going back to the same people. Good times can be had without the past rearing its ugly face. People move on, but you seem to keep looking to the past like history will repeat itself. It won't so stop wishing that it will, you're wasting your time.

We met under awkward circumstances. You wanted my friend, I wanted him to take me give me a ride. I'm slowly finding out that you are different than everyone you spend your time with. It'd be awesome if you talked to me about whats on your mind.

We have known each the longest out of everyone I know now. I wish you would've changed more than you did, but you are still the girl who doesn't get all my jokes, still the girl who sees the good in people, still the girl that always looks like she is having a good time.


You always talk about changing yourself, but you never do. I wish things could be like the old days when you didn't hide things that you thought would upset me.

(You know what people should just stop thinking about what is going to make me sad, mad, or anything else. Just tell me and things will be a lot better.)

I couldn't care less about your relationships, but everyone else won't shut up about them. Do what you want. Just watch out because people talk and they don't always say nice things.


You know too much about nothing, your humble about how smart you are and you're lonely. Don't throw yourself at someone just because you want some attention. Someone will come along and like you for you are not what you do someday...just wait a little longer.

Leave him if you want just don't stay with him you just go with it because you don't know what things will be like when he is gone. I know you love each other, but things are wearing thin if I'm not mistaken.

You're slipping away from us, but its definitely not a bad thing you need to start your life and I know and you know so...do it already.


Well this isn't me trying to tell you how to live your life, more like my perspective. I guess my thinking is that if you see what I see then maybe you can take a step back and think about whether you really want to keep going down that path. Trust me there is always another way. Sure it may not be easy, but all things get easier with time.

Putting the names would make this much more effective, but then you wouldn't see as much as if you have to guess.

I Really Miss You

"If only I was taller,
And had a million dollars.
Maybe then you'd be with me."

I'm tired of this. I need something to happen. Whether it be good or bad it just to needs to occur.

Why is there nothing to do? ...wait correction there are three things to do: Consume illegal substances, Play video games, or Go to a proprietor of goods/services. Thats it. Why can't we have something good here. Just wondering really because I'm tired of doing nothing. Aren't you?

Hey if you happen to have something to say get it off your chest before you start closing doors.

I'm pretty sure I could write a billion little stupid sentences like that maybe someday that is what I'll do, but for now I'm going to try to focus on something.

I miss a lot of things lately. Lauren, Sam, Middle School, Junior year, being the new kid. It just seems like life was better before last summer. Summer ruins things for me. I remember a long time ago, during the summer, life was amazing. I used to wake up at 6 in the morning to go hang out my friend Roy,during the summers he lived with his grandma. That was so amazing. He was a few years older than me, but we got along so well and all day we would ride our bikes around, chill at the Trading Post and swim...We swam every weekday for like 5 hours everyday. Amazing. Then one summer came and things were different because he started doing drugs and then he got a few other kids we used to hang out into it too. Thats when my summers weren't so fun anymore and thats when I stopped hanging out with them and I moved on, but I guess it was great while it lasted and I should be grateful that I got to have that much fun as a kid.
In the beginning everything is great and then it loses it's luster and you toss it away. I'm just the kind of person who finds those things that get tossed away and when I find them I get brought back. I really like this picture. I really like her, but its gone and now all I have is this picture to give what I once had.


I'm losing my luster.

TVM

Tonite

Stumbled onto an old playlist...heh. I needed this because I haven't felt like this for awhile. Its a combination of uncertainty and disorientation. Which I'm finding out isnt so great together.

Music gets to me more than it should and I'm tired of it reminding me that life was better back in the beginning. Back when I was happy and everyone around me was happy as well. Everyone's general level of happiness with their situation is on a slow decline as of late, but its a new year full of new wishes, experiences, loves, losses, and all that junk that every says when the previous year ends badly. I wonder how this year will end? Some might say that I shouldn't care how its going to end when it hasn't even really started, but I could care less how we get there as long as we do. Though sometimes its all about the trip...god.so mixed up, can't think straight and it is being greatly reflected in my writing.

Living in a dream world can only hide what pains you for so long.
Sooner or later it catches you,
so stop running.

TVM

Who Did You Think I Was...

So cold lately, outside and in, but its winter. What else is supposed to happen? The shivers are getting old though...

These late nights are becoming a bad habit of mine, but I just don't want to go to sleep. Its my enemy. I don't know why, but there is something about sleeping that just doesn't sound good. I guess I'd rather stay and write these stupid little things. So write them I will. This weekend was empty. A lot of the same old stuff, go to weston's, feel like a third wheel, drive home in freezing car and feel useless. I was always useless. She just gave me a false sense of purpose. Purpose. Its what we all struggle to understand. I could lie to everyone and say things are fine and dandy, but I find myself more often than not thinking of her more know than ever. The dumbest little things reminding me of her. A jewelry catalog. A freakin' ring made me go back to the walk-a-thon and what the kind of ring I was gonna buy someday. So much time spent with her on my mind...

It kills me that she is so happy to be rid of me. I was such a burden. I was so good to her.
No. This isn't all on me. Its on you. You never said anything to me. Ever. How am I supposed to know what I'm doing to bug you if all you do is tell the people who don't matter. Just tell me this is hard for you too and I'll feel so much better.

Freedom! Its mine and I don't know what to do with it. I sound like a broken record, but this is what its like up in the old noggin. *sigh*I'm going to shut up before I say more hurtful things.

Finish the Sentence.

Leave me behind...


TVM