Who Did You Think I Was...

So cold lately, outside and in, but its winter. What else is supposed to happen? The shivers are getting old though...

These late nights are becoming a bad habit of mine, but I just don't want to go to sleep. Its my enemy. I don't know why, but there is something about sleeping that just doesn't sound good. I guess I'd rather stay and write these stupid little things. So write them I will. This weekend was empty. A lot of the same old stuff, go to weston's, feel like a third wheel, drive home in freezing car and feel useless. I was always useless. She just gave me a false sense of purpose. Purpose. Its what we all struggle to understand. I could lie to everyone and say things are fine and dandy, but I find myself more often than not thinking of her more know than ever. The dumbest little things reminding me of her. A jewelry catalog. A freakin' ring made me go back to the walk-a-thon and what the kind of ring I was gonna buy someday. So much time spent with her on my mind...

It kills me that she is so happy to be rid of me. I was such a burden. I was so good to her.
No. This isn't all on me. Its on you. You never said anything to me. Ever. How am I supposed to know what I'm doing to bug you if all you do is tell the people who don't matter. Just tell me this is hard for you too and I'll feel so much better.

Freedom! Its mine and I don't know what to do with it. I sound like a broken record, but this is what its like up in the old noggin. *sigh*I'm going to shut up before I say more hurtful things.

Finish the Sentence.

Leave me behind...


TVM

Do You Love Me?

That song has been stuck in my head for the past forever. It is driving me crazy. That question...that question is only asked in to situation: when you are truly questioning whether the person loves you or when you know they do and you want to hear them say it. Why am I singing that song so much? Is it because I want to know the answer or is it because I know it already? I don't know and that bugs me.

Hands off. No more of that you silly boys. Don't make me get angry with you.

In other words, I haven't seen any use in school recently. It seems like such a waste of time now. I can honestly say that I sleep in over a third of my classes. That is ridiculous! It is really starting to get to me. Everyday is another frustrating day of scholastic vacuity. If we keep setting the standards at the low end of the curve we are all going to be in a lot of trouble in the future, but I'll probably be dead by then, so it isn't may problem? Too bad I actually care, unlike the majority of people who ignore problems until the punch them in the face. Hard. I can't fix it, though I could help. Maybe instead of "could" it should be "should" it is a responsibility as a citizen, is it not? I doubt it is expected of people these days to solve problems, but back when I wasn't even a thought people cared about their country and the problems that "should" be solved. That is all gone now and only a small crowd miss it.

...Don't waste my time with your crying. I don't want to hear it anymore.

I'm wondering...do any of us have real enemies? I don't, unless you count Erin, but enemy number one is always me. I can't stand myself. I lack motivation, I'm lazy, too skinny, insensitive, brash, "rough around the edges" as some might say, anatagonistic, argumentative, indecisive, boring, messy, worried, jealous, depressing, pessimistic, and angry. Listing off faults about yourself is easy. Can you do it?

TVM

The Crooked Waltz

Late night writing is the best, isn't it?

I'm in trouble...Deep trouble. I try to dig my way out, but I just can't seem to say the right thing. Am I really that untrustworthy? Do I give off a "I'm always lying to you." vibe?

Why did I call this entry "The Crooked Waltz"? ...I'll tell you why, you know, because I can tell you're so interested. I call it that because it feels like I'm dancing on a ship lately. If I lose my balance then I will surely fall and I have bad enough balance as it is, but now I have to keep on my toes and glide over the twisting boards lurching beneath my feet. *sigh*
Its worth it though.
She is worth it.

Truly finding yourself takes time, but it is time well spent.

I'm off for now, hopefully to find myself in a dream.

Not Myself

Here I sit thinking...Already a bad start. I feel like being depressed lately. I swear I like it too much. I don't know why, but I just feel like I haven't experienced enough of the bad to truly appreciate the good. This coming from the kid with a once broken home, that home no longer exists...I have no home. Why am I just realizing this now? I guess you could say this is my home, but it isn't. Even though I got spoken to about how if I ever need anything I should come back to them for help, but I don't like I should. That brings up a memory from my childhood. Etched in my memory is this one time my mother and father were yelling at each other somewhere in the house and I was just in the kitchen just sitting against the cabinets repeating to myself "I want to go home." I have that feeling now more than ever and it scares me.

Eric opening up? Scary, right?

I wonder why I do the things I do sometimes. Finding your identity is hard sometimes, but all in all its worth it...I hope.

Wish

Its what I do to often. I think I made myself look incredibly dumb tonight. Nothing should have been said you are smart enough to know it without me saying anything.

I had a feeling, during the last days of school, that this summer was going to be lame. So far, very true. The list of reasons is long, but here are a few reasons why
No car.
Limited lauren time.
Trouble for omitting the truth.
Sister.
Did I mention no car?

Whatever I'm tired of looking at everyone and feeling envy. I'm mostly envious of the way that they get to do what they want. I just wish that I didn't have to deal with my sister trying to keep me in line because anything I do wrong goes back to her. That only really bugs me because I turn eighteen in less than three months. I want her to realize that fact and chill out because if she doesn't then I might become a little more troublesome.

I'm tired of jumping through your god damn hoops.

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

This week has to be great, not for me, but for Sam I really want to make her last week here a memorable one. I know she loves it here and doesn't want to leave, but a part of me tells me she just can't stand to be in the same place to long. I just hope she has just as much fun in NC. I really can say she is one of my best friends and I just want her to be happy.

On a less sincere note. I am really tired of everyone talking about everybody behind their backs. Just hearing what some people say makes me wonder what people say about me. Whatever can't stop people from judging, drawing conclusions on assumptions and such. Thinking about it...Would we really still be friends if we said what we were thinking to each other? The good friends would stay friends, but it would really weed out those who didn't fit in.& I myself would love to hear what people say, but that would never happen. I guess it is for the "greater good" as Hot fuzz so elloquently put it.

Fuck econ, eager salespeople, drunks, sluts, smokers, dumbasses,

hicks, walmart, parents, slow drivers, that person with the z3 hatchback,

high school, fat people, indecision, 11:11, hairy ladies, organized religion

and life.



I'm tired.
sleep.

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Crazy

I feel like I'm going crazy. It hasn't even been summer more than two days and I can already tell that this summer will be the worst. Without my car and friends to do anything, I'm stuck at home with only chores to do because I am such a lazy jerk.

Summer school is a...no economics is a waste of my life. Summer school is an instrument of icy cold severance from what summer should be. I mean icy cold in the literal sense. If that school got any colder I might start pissing ice cubes. If that wasn't enough I got stuck with the one teacher who thinks getting out ten minutes early is a godsend. We have to skip our ten minute break to get out when every other teacher decides "why not let them go?". It is just ridiculous.

I think I might actually eat something for dinner tonight. I don't recall what there has been, but Yesterday was hamburger patties...no buns, just a chunk of cooked cow. I wish my life could go somewhere that there aren't...people.

.Screaming babies.Slamming doors.
.Somebody Get Me Out of Here.

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Trashed and Scattered

Life, you son of a bitch, you are always trying to kill me.  Doing something tonight would be great, but that whole speeding ticket thing has messed with my chances of having fun, and just as they weren't really caring about the punishment as much they receive my wonderful midterm...F in jap, B- in physics.  w00t....kill.me. 

    I need to clear my head.  I need people to stop being assholes about certain choices I've made.  Thatnks to the select of people i actual search for approval in disapproving a choice made I now no longer want what I once did.  *thumbs up* Thanks guys!  Now I have to take care of that and it'll be oh so much fun.  *eyeroll*

    I'm hitting a lot of topics today because I can't talk about them too much without giving them away...being vague is what I'm all about.  Drifting through life is getting me nowhere.  I need focus, a guide, instead of all of these pricks.  I want my sister to believe me when I say that I have that F because of Rosetta Stone, I want moving on to be easier, I want falling to hurt less, and most of all I want you to stop, take a look around and actually mean you are changed.

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Somebody Hates Me

I have been skankin my ass off lately. It is really tempting to start a ska band next year for Graff. It would definitely have to be the quintet if we had one. Some may say its impossible, but I think with the right people it could happen, especially if we played Suburban Rhythm...it would blow the audience's mind.

I guess I'm getting tired of people thinking something is wrong with me. I dont really know and I probably won't tell you even if you ask. Its an Eric thing? Idon'tknow. I thought I really needed to write one of these, but now that I have started it seems like it will suck, pretty much like the others, yet I will ramble on anyway. U.S. Hist. Project/Paper due soon, should start that...eh fuck it...no more I'm not even in the mood for this.

TVM

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Hands Down

The season's shape our personality, our mood. Winter takes a hold of our warmth leaving us searching for someone to spend the night with. Spring gives us back that warmth sending messages of hope and a better life luring those with much to leave it behind for the prospect of more. Gorging on Summer you can only hope that it's splendor last forever, but Fall quickly come dashing your hopes for a sunny tomorrow with a plague killing all within it freezing grip, slowly draining greed of all it's life. It is a beautiful death. A death that I cannot wait for.

Why does everything fall apart at this time?Why did it have to stop at all? I don't know why I am asking these questions. It could be the fact I see her in pain, but all I can do is hold her and wait for her to talk. It is what she needs, but I won't be the person she tells, so it looks like I am without purpose. I think everyone needs to take some time to do some soul searching. I know I could use it. How about you?

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Lackluster

I have been just that lately. I don't know. People are always telling me that I'm "great" but I don't see it. I am usually an ass to everyone, but it isn't because I don't like the person...more along the line of making fun of people is just that. Fun. Sometimes I think people take me too seriously, but I avoid those who do. Why am I explaining this anyone who reads this already knows.movingon.

Tech was great fun including the cast parties that made me feel almost charming for a second. I met someone and I guess was cool enough to get her to not hate me. Scatter-brained as I was that night and obnoxious. I am not going to lie I was a loud bastard at that party, but would it have been better if I would have sat quietly on the couch? Being outgoing is definitely fun most of the time, but the only reason I was able to be the "loud asshole over there" was because I never had really met any of the people there. Thinking about it now I wasn't that outgoing...i just played guitar hero...yes I know it is really sad that I avoided the fun part of the party for that game. I kind of regret not going where ever the hell everyone else went, but there is no changing that now. Seeing the pictures from it looked much more fun. Damn another missed opportunity. What else is new.



*Note to self: Take the road less travelled.





TVM

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Trouble

New ipod in hand Eric is ready to take on the world one song at a time; slowly becoming more detached from this world...and the next.

Looking back through previous blogs(Confuzzled I think its called) and I found that my situation hasn't really changed. The only difference...the actors of this play called my life. I find that quite depressing that in practically 2 years I haven't been able to get past this indecisive flaw I and most other seem to have. Breaking this habit isn't necessary, but it might just make life a little easier, and who doesn't want an easier life?

This blog was interrupted and later forgotten about, yet reading it now makes me feel somewhat alive. I'm am doing something now. Not sure what it is, but I feel like it is something and I hope my feelings are right this time.

I was reading some other people's blog recognizing that things have been declining, like everything is getting worse. I don't know they just seem to be having thoughts similar to mine, but are expressing them better than I could have ever imagined. I guess writing isn't my forte, but then what is? I have no expressive talents. Speaking? No. Musically? Doubt it. Visually? Can't paint. The only thing I have made are some sets for a musical. Those aren't even pretty. It was more of a this is what I need...Build as economically as possible. I don't know sometimes not being able to use the right side of my brain as effectively as others makes me wonder if I'm trying as hard as I should.





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xbxlxoxgx

A weekend of missed opportunities for me. First, I get no Chuck E. Cheezzzzuh, but...eh its probably better that I didn't go. If I did it just would have been a few hours chuckles, nothing much. Not going is where its at because then Sam has more fun all night instead of me...I'm lame like that.

I missed getting my ipod back. I missed Chuck E. Cheese and I missed sledding. Sledding isn't my fault if anything I blame it on the environment in Tyler's car(loud-ass people), but Jordan is usually good at hearing stuff. Even if she heard that we were at Weston's would we have gone? I doubt it. The light was fading and they want the icy wind in their faces and the snow in their pants. All I wanted was to be with them...no problem, I guess, since Tuesday is going to be snow filled.



The Velvety Monkey

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Where the Heart Lies

Lately I have been in a very go-with-the-flow mood. I don't know why; maybe I am just switching off for awhile. Its been nice...not worrying, but now I find smaller things beginning to crop up and implanting there hooks of dread into my consciousness. They might just be getting to because I am unburdened with school, yet I still don't like worrying about these things either. They just eat at me until they become a problem: I don't want problems. I want fun. Is that too much too ask?



On a lighter note, Jordan twas stripped to her panties tonite...Wondering if we should have stripped Sam instead, but would it have been as funny? Tyler was right there, but I'm not sure he really cared.shrug. Ugh I just remembered Jordan hasn't shaved in awhile, so might have been a better choice to go with Sam. Hmm any thoughts?



My ipod will be getting fixed soon. YAY! Like any of you care, but I do this week has blown without music in my head. Plans tomorrow=Something what they are have yet to be decided.



The Velvety Monkey

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Where the Heart Lies

Lately I have been in a very go-with-the-flow mood. I don't know why; maybe I am just switching off for awhile. Its been nice...not worrying, but now I find smaller things beginning to crop up and implanting there hooks of dread into my consciousness. They might just be getting to because I am unburdened with school, yet I still don't like worrying about these things either. They just eat at me until they become a problem: I don't want problems. I want fun. Is that too much too ask?



On a lighter note, Jordan twas stripped to her panties tonite...Wondering if we should have stripped Sam instead, but would it have been as funny? Tyler was right there, but I'm not sure he really cared.shrug. Ugh I just remembered Jordan hasn't shaved in awhile, so might have been a better choice to go with Sam. Hmm any thoughts?



My ipod will be getting fixed soon. YAY! Like any of you care, but I do this week has blown without music in my head. Plans tomorrow=Something what they are have yet to be decided.

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The Day the Music Died

Well, my ipod is dead...I know I'm super pissed. Today definitely not a fun one, mainly because I'm sore as hell from this weekend/probable fever,but nonetheless today did not suck too bad.

I'm tired of dancing around subjects now. In the beginning it was fun, but now its just annoying either I will get what I want or I won't. *leans toward won't* This doesn't surprise me though because I never really get what and if I do get it "it" gets spoiled and I no longer want it. This is inevitable in these years of practically infinite change. I don't really want to start preaching, so I think I'll avoid this topic of doom. I'm pretty sure that is all this will bring me if I keep ranting about what I want. That is the very opposite of I want to do, yet if I don't make things happen...it'll end badly either and thats all I'm saying about that.

This week isn't starting off very well, I mean c'mon Why did my ipod have to die? I don't even know how it happened. It prolly happened in dodgeball, but its not like i dove around or anything...bleh. Whatever.Heres to another shitty week, all the worse without my musical world to drift to...

The Velvety Monkey

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Its Been Awhile

Break is over and now it is time to become grounded. I really think I am not the same person when I have free time. Its like when I have nothing important to think about I make decisions that will eventually backfire. It is my flaw...one of many. This one is different because I really am beginning to understand that my job is going to be my life. I want a job that takes up my free time, yet that free time is when your life happens. I guess I don't really want to live my life for myself. It is more for others and I know that I could work my whole life and still be nobody. Hell. I expect it, but I don't know exactly why I want my life to be practically non-existant. Am I just scared of living life?



Here I am trying to make up for the huge break in my blogs, but I can't really say anything that I want to. If I actually said the things I am thinking it would be horrible for those around me. Its like my mind is set on self-destruct. Sad thing is I don't think that I mind. I run of that feeling of despair. I hunger for it, constantly chasing the things out of my reach. Its my motivation, my only reason for living. I want things I can't have, but what if I got them? Would I really be happy? Am I really happy? I would have to say that I'm not. I'm being tortured by myself and the fact that I know of things that should have been followed through with. This year has been mistakes so far. I'm ready to get what I need. What do I need? A little thing called a heart. I know that people really think I am this fun happy guy, but some of you have seen me at my down times, but I doubt you understood it. I want to feel, but it seems to be out of my reach.

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