The Crooked Waltz

Late night writing is the best, isn't it?

I'm in trouble...Deep trouble. I try to dig my way out, but I just can't seem to say the right thing. Am I really that untrustworthy? Do I give off a "I'm always lying to you." vibe?

Why did I call this entry "The Crooked Waltz"? ...I'll tell you why, you know, because I can tell you're so interested. I call it that because it feels like I'm dancing on a ship lately. If I lose my balance then I will surely fall and I have bad enough balance as it is, but now I have to keep on my toes and glide over the twisting boards lurching beneath my feet. *sigh*
Its worth it though.
She is worth it.

Truly finding yourself takes time, but it is time well spent.

I'm off for now, hopefully to find myself in a dream.

Not Myself

Here I sit thinking...Already a bad start. I feel like being depressed lately. I swear I like it too much. I don't know why, but I just feel like I haven't experienced enough of the bad to truly appreciate the good. This coming from the kid with a once broken home, that home no longer exists...I have no home. Why am I just realizing this now? I guess you could say this is my home, but it isn't. Even though I got spoken to about how if I ever need anything I should come back to them for help, but I don't like I should. That brings up a memory from my childhood. Etched in my memory is this one time my mother and father were yelling at each other somewhere in the house and I was just in the kitchen just sitting against the cabinets repeating to myself "I want to go home." I have that feeling now more than ever and it scares me.

Eric opening up? Scary, right?

I wonder why I do the things I do sometimes. Finding your identity is hard sometimes, but all in all its worth it...I hope.

Wish

Its what I do to often. I think I made myself look incredibly dumb tonight. Nothing should have been said you are smart enough to know it without me saying anything.

I had a feeling, during the last days of school, that this summer was going to be lame. So far, very true. The list of reasons is long, but here are a few reasons why
No car.
Limited lauren time.
Trouble for omitting the truth.
Sister.
Did I mention no car?

Whatever I'm tired of looking at everyone and feeling envy. I'm mostly envious of the way that they get to do what they want. I just wish that I didn't have to deal with my sister trying to keep me in line because anything I do wrong goes back to her. That only really bugs me because I turn eighteen in less than three months. I want her to realize that fact and chill out because if she doesn't then I might become a little more troublesome.

I'm tired of jumping through your god damn hoops.

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

This week has to be great, not for me, but for Sam I really want to make her last week here a memorable one. I know she loves it here and doesn't want to leave, but a part of me tells me she just can't stand to be in the same place to long. I just hope she has just as much fun in NC. I really can say she is one of my best friends and I just want her to be happy.

On a less sincere note. I am really tired of everyone talking about everybody behind their backs. Just hearing what some people say makes me wonder what people say about me. Whatever can't stop people from judging, drawing conclusions on assumptions and such. Thinking about it...Would we really still be friends if we said what we were thinking to each other? The good friends would stay friends, but it would really weed out those who didn't fit in.& I myself would love to hear what people say, but that would never happen. I guess it is for the "greater good" as Hot fuzz so elloquently put it.

Fuck econ, eager salespeople, drunks, sluts, smokers, dumbasses,

hicks, walmart, parents, slow drivers, that person with the z3 hatchback,

high school, fat people, indecision, 11:11, hairy ladies, organized religion

and life.



I'm tired.
sleep.

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Crazy

I feel like I'm going crazy. It hasn't even been summer more than two days and I can already tell that this summer will be the worst. Without my car and friends to do anything, I'm stuck at home with only chores to do because I am such a lazy jerk.

Summer school is a...no economics is a waste of my life. Summer school is an instrument of icy cold severance from what summer should be. I mean icy cold in the literal sense. If that school got any colder I might start pissing ice cubes. If that wasn't enough I got stuck with the one teacher who thinks getting out ten minutes early is a godsend. We have to skip our ten minute break to get out when every other teacher decides "why not let them go?". It is just ridiculous.

I think I might actually eat something for dinner tonight. I don't recall what there has been, but Yesterday was hamburger patties...no buns, just a chunk of cooked cow. I wish my life could go somewhere that there aren't...people.

.Screaming babies.Slamming doors.
.Somebody Get Me Out of Here.

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Trashed and Scattered

Life, you son of a bitch, you are always trying to kill me.  Doing something tonight would be great, but that whole speeding ticket thing has messed with my chances of having fun, and just as they weren't really caring about the punishment as much they receive my wonderful midterm...F in jap, B- in physics.  w00t....kill.me. 

    I need to clear my head.  I need people to stop being assholes about certain choices I've made.  Thatnks to the select of people i actual search for approval in disapproving a choice made I now no longer want what I once did.  *thumbs up* Thanks guys!  Now I have to take care of that and it'll be oh so much fun.  *eyeroll*

    I'm hitting a lot of topics today because I can't talk about them too much without giving them away...being vague is what I'm all about.  Drifting through life is getting me nowhere.  I need focus, a guide, instead of all of these pricks.  I want my sister to believe me when I say that I have that F because of Rosetta Stone, I want moving on to be easier, I want falling to hurt less, and most of all I want you to stop, take a look around and actually mean you are changed.

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Somebody Hates Me

I have been skankin my ass off lately. It is really tempting to start a ska band next year for Graff. It would definitely have to be the quintet if we had one. Some may say its impossible, but I think with the right people it could happen, especially if we played Suburban Rhythm...it would blow the audience's mind.

I guess I'm getting tired of people thinking something is wrong with me. I dont really know and I probably won't tell you even if you ask. Its an Eric thing? Idon'tknow. I thought I really needed to write one of these, but now that I have started it seems like it will suck, pretty much like the others, yet I will ramble on anyway. U.S. Hist. Project/Paper due soon, should start that...eh fuck it...no more I'm not even in the mood for this.

TVM

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