I Really Miss You

"If only I was taller,
And had a million dollars.
Maybe then you'd be with me."

I'm tired of this. I need something to happen. Whether it be good or bad it just to needs to occur.

Why is there nothing to do? ...wait correction there are three things to do: Consume illegal substances, Play video games, or Go to a proprietor of goods/services. Thats it. Why can't we have something good here. Just wondering really because I'm tired of doing nothing. Aren't you?

Hey if you happen to have something to say get it off your chest before you start closing doors.

I'm pretty sure I could write a billion little stupid sentences like that maybe someday that is what I'll do, but for now I'm going to try to focus on something.

I miss a lot of things lately. Lauren, Sam, Middle School, Junior year, being the new kid. It just seems like life was better before last summer. Summer ruins things for me. I remember a long time ago, during the summer, life was amazing. I used to wake up at 6 in the morning to go hang out my friend Roy,during the summers he lived with his grandma. That was so amazing. He was a few years older than me, but we got along so well and all day we would ride our bikes around, chill at the Trading Post and swim...We swam every weekday for like 5 hours everyday. Amazing. Then one summer came and things were different because he started doing drugs and then he got a few other kids we used to hang out into it too. Thats when my summers weren't so fun anymore and thats when I stopped hanging out with them and I moved on, but I guess it was great while it lasted and I should be grateful that I got to have that much fun as a kid.
In the beginning everything is great and then it loses it's luster and you toss it away. I'm just the kind of person who finds those things that get tossed away and when I find them I get brought back. I really like this picture. I really like her, but its gone and now all I have is this picture to give what I once had.


I'm losing my luster.

TVM

Tonite

Stumbled onto an old playlist...heh. I needed this because I haven't felt like this for awhile. Its a combination of uncertainty and disorientation. Which I'm finding out isnt so great together.

Music gets to me more than it should and I'm tired of it reminding me that life was better back in the beginning. Back when I was happy and everyone around me was happy as well. Everyone's general level of happiness with their situation is on a slow decline as of late, but its a new year full of new wishes, experiences, loves, losses, and all that junk that every says when the previous year ends badly. I wonder how this year will end? Some might say that I shouldn't care how its going to end when it hasn't even really started, but I could care less how we get there as long as we do. Though sometimes its all about the trip...god.so mixed up, can't think straight and it is being greatly reflected in my writing.

Living in a dream world can only hide what pains you for so long.
Sooner or later it catches you,
so stop running.

TVM

Who Did You Think I Was...

So cold lately, outside and in, but its winter. What else is supposed to happen? The shivers are getting old though...

These late nights are becoming a bad habit of mine, but I just don't want to go to sleep. Its my enemy. I don't know why, but there is something about sleeping that just doesn't sound good. I guess I'd rather stay and write these stupid little things. So write them I will. This weekend was empty. A lot of the same old stuff, go to weston's, feel like a third wheel, drive home in freezing car and feel useless. I was always useless. She just gave me a false sense of purpose. Purpose. Its what we all struggle to understand. I could lie to everyone and say things are fine and dandy, but I find myself more often than not thinking of her more know than ever. The dumbest little things reminding me of her. A jewelry catalog. A freakin' ring made me go back to the walk-a-thon and what the kind of ring I was gonna buy someday. So much time spent with her on my mind...

It kills me that she is so happy to be rid of me. I was such a burden. I was so good to her.
No. This isn't all on me. Its on you. You never said anything to me. Ever. How am I supposed to know what I'm doing to bug you if all you do is tell the people who don't matter. Just tell me this is hard for you too and I'll feel so much better.

Freedom! Its mine and I don't know what to do with it. I sound like a broken record, but this is what its like up in the old noggin. *sigh*I'm going to shut up before I say more hurtful things.

Finish the Sentence.

Leave me behind...


TVM

Do You Love Me?

That song has been stuck in my head for the past forever. It is driving me crazy. That question...that question is only asked in to situation: when you are truly questioning whether the person loves you or when you know they do and you want to hear them say it. Why am I singing that song so much? Is it because I want to know the answer or is it because I know it already? I don't know and that bugs me.

Hands off. No more of that you silly boys. Don't make me get angry with you.

In other words, I haven't seen any use in school recently. It seems like such a waste of time now. I can honestly say that I sleep in over a third of my classes. That is ridiculous! It is really starting to get to me. Everyday is another frustrating day of scholastic vacuity. If we keep setting the standards at the low end of the curve we are all going to be in a lot of trouble in the future, but I'll probably be dead by then, so it isn't may problem? Too bad I actually care, unlike the majority of people who ignore problems until the punch them in the face. Hard. I can't fix it, though I could help. Maybe instead of "could" it should be "should" it is a responsibility as a citizen, is it not? I doubt it is expected of people these days to solve problems, but back when I wasn't even a thought people cared about their country and the problems that "should" be solved. That is all gone now and only a small crowd miss it.

...Don't waste my time with your crying. I don't want to hear it anymore.

I'm wondering...do any of us have real enemies? I don't, unless you count Erin, but enemy number one is always me. I can't stand myself. I lack motivation, I'm lazy, too skinny, insensitive, brash, "rough around the edges" as some might say, anatagonistic, argumentative, indecisive, boring, messy, worried, jealous, depressing, pessimistic, and angry. Listing off faults about yourself is easy. Can you do it?

TVM

The Crooked Waltz

Late night writing is the best, isn't it?

I'm in trouble...Deep trouble. I try to dig my way out, but I just can't seem to say the right thing. Am I really that untrustworthy? Do I give off a "I'm always lying to you." vibe?

Why did I call this entry "The Crooked Waltz"? ...I'll tell you why, you know, because I can tell you're so interested. I call it that because it feels like I'm dancing on a ship lately. If I lose my balance then I will surely fall and I have bad enough balance as it is, but now I have to keep on my toes and glide over the twisting boards lurching beneath my feet. *sigh*
Its worth it though.
She is worth it.

Truly finding yourself takes time, but it is time well spent.

I'm off for now, hopefully to find myself in a dream.

Not Myself

Here I sit thinking...Already a bad start. I feel like being depressed lately. I swear I like it too much. I don't know why, but I just feel like I haven't experienced enough of the bad to truly appreciate the good. This coming from the kid with a once broken home, that home no longer exists...I have no home. Why am I just realizing this now? I guess you could say this is my home, but it isn't. Even though I got spoken to about how if I ever need anything I should come back to them for help, but I don't like I should. That brings up a memory from my childhood. Etched in my memory is this one time my mother and father were yelling at each other somewhere in the house and I was just in the kitchen just sitting against the cabinets repeating to myself "I want to go home." I have that feeling now more than ever and it scares me.

Eric opening up? Scary, right?

I wonder why I do the things I do sometimes. Finding your identity is hard sometimes, but all in all its worth it...I hope.

Wish

Its what I do to often. I think I made myself look incredibly dumb tonight. Nothing should have been said you are smart enough to know it without me saying anything.

I had a feeling, during the last days of school, that this summer was going to be lame. So far, very true. The list of reasons is long, but here are a few reasons why
No car.
Limited lauren time.
Trouble for omitting the truth.
Sister.
Did I mention no car?

Whatever I'm tired of looking at everyone and feeling envy. I'm mostly envious of the way that they get to do what they want. I just wish that I didn't have to deal with my sister trying to keep me in line because anything I do wrong goes back to her. That only really bugs me because I turn eighteen in less than three months. I want her to realize that fact and chill out because if she doesn't then I might become a little more troublesome.

I'm tired of jumping through your god damn hoops.