Who Did You Think I Was...

So cold lately, outside and in, but its winter. What else is supposed to happen? The shivers are getting old though...

These late nights are becoming a bad habit of mine, but I just don't want to go to sleep. Its my enemy. I don't know why, but there is something about sleeping that just doesn't sound good. I guess I'd rather stay and write these stupid little things. So write them I will. This weekend was empty. A lot of the same old stuff, go to weston's, feel like a third wheel, drive home in freezing car and feel useless. I was always useless. She just gave me a false sense of purpose. Purpose. Its what we all struggle to understand. I could lie to everyone and say things are fine and dandy, but I find myself more often than not thinking of her more know than ever. The dumbest little things reminding me of her. A jewelry catalog. A freakin' ring made me go back to the walk-a-thon and what the kind of ring I was gonna buy someday. So much time spent with her on my mind...

It kills me that she is so happy to be rid of me. I was such a burden. I was so good to her.
No. This isn't all on me. Its on you. You never said anything to me. Ever. How am I supposed to know what I'm doing to bug you if all you do is tell the people who don't matter. Just tell me this is hard for you too and I'll feel so much better.

Freedom! Its mine and I don't know what to do with it. I sound like a broken record, but this is what its like up in the old noggin. *sigh*I'm going to shut up before I say more hurtful things.

Finish the Sentence.

Leave me behind...


TVM

Do You Love Me?

That song has been stuck in my head for the past forever. It is driving me crazy. That question...that question is only asked in to situation: when you are truly questioning whether the person loves you or when you know they do and you want to hear them say it. Why am I singing that song so much? Is it because I want to know the answer or is it because I know it already? I don't know and that bugs me.

Hands off. No more of that you silly boys. Don't make me get angry with you.

In other words, I haven't seen any use in school recently. It seems like such a waste of time now. I can honestly say that I sleep in over a third of my classes. That is ridiculous! It is really starting to get to me. Everyday is another frustrating day of scholastic vacuity. If we keep setting the standards at the low end of the curve we are all going to be in a lot of trouble in the future, but I'll probably be dead by then, so it isn't may problem? Too bad I actually care, unlike the majority of people who ignore problems until the punch them in the face. Hard. I can't fix it, though I could help. Maybe instead of "could" it should be "should" it is a responsibility as a citizen, is it not? I doubt it is expected of people these days to solve problems, but back when I wasn't even a thought people cared about their country and the problems that "should" be solved. That is all gone now and only a small crowd miss it.

...Don't waste my time with your crying. I don't want to hear it anymore.

I'm wondering...do any of us have real enemies? I don't, unless you count Erin, but enemy number one is always me. I can't stand myself. I lack motivation, I'm lazy, too skinny, insensitive, brash, "rough around the edges" as some might say, anatagonistic, argumentative, indecisive, boring, messy, worried, jealous, depressing, pessimistic, and angry. Listing off faults about yourself is easy. Can you do it?

TVM

The Crooked Waltz

Late night writing is the best, isn't it?

I'm in trouble...Deep trouble. I try to dig my way out, but I just can't seem to say the right thing. Am I really that untrustworthy? Do I give off a "I'm always lying to you." vibe?

Why did I call this entry "The Crooked Waltz"? ...I'll tell you why, you know, because I can tell you're so interested. I call it that because it feels like I'm dancing on a ship lately. If I lose my balance then I will surely fall and I have bad enough balance as it is, but now I have to keep on my toes and glide over the twisting boards lurching beneath my feet. *sigh*
Its worth it though.
She is worth it.

Truly finding yourself takes time, but it is time well spent.

I'm off for now, hopefully to find myself in a dream.

Not Myself

Here I sit thinking...Already a bad start. I feel like being depressed lately. I swear I like it too much. I don't know why, but I just feel like I haven't experienced enough of the bad to truly appreciate the good. This coming from the kid with a once broken home, that home no longer exists...I have no home. Why am I just realizing this now? I guess you could say this is my home, but it isn't. Even though I got spoken to about how if I ever need anything I should come back to them for help, but I don't like I should. That brings up a memory from my childhood. Etched in my memory is this one time my mother and father were yelling at each other somewhere in the house and I was just in the kitchen just sitting against the cabinets repeating to myself "I want to go home." I have that feeling now more than ever and it scares me.

Eric opening up? Scary, right?

I wonder why I do the things I do sometimes. Finding your identity is hard sometimes, but all in all its worth it...I hope.

Wish

Its what I do to often. I think I made myself look incredibly dumb tonight. Nothing should have been said you are smart enough to know it without me saying anything.

I had a feeling, during the last days of school, that this summer was going to be lame. So far, very true. The list of reasons is long, but here are a few reasons why
No car.
Limited lauren time.
Trouble for omitting the truth.
Sister.
Did I mention no car?

Whatever I'm tired of looking at everyone and feeling envy. I'm mostly envious of the way that they get to do what they want. I just wish that I didn't have to deal with my sister trying to keep me in line because anything I do wrong goes back to her. That only really bugs me because I turn eighteen in less than three months. I want her to realize that fact and chill out because if she doesn't then I might become a little more troublesome.

I'm tired of jumping through your god damn hoops.

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

This week has to be great, not for me, but for Sam I really want to make her last week here a memorable one. I know she loves it here and doesn't want to leave, but a part of me tells me she just can't stand to be in the same place to long. I just hope she has just as much fun in NC. I really can say she is one of my best friends and I just want her to be happy.

On a less sincere note. I am really tired of everyone talking about everybody behind their backs. Just hearing what some people say makes me wonder what people say about me. Whatever can't stop people from judging, drawing conclusions on assumptions and such. Thinking about it...Would we really still be friends if we said what we were thinking to each other? The good friends would stay friends, but it would really weed out those who didn't fit in.& I myself would love to hear what people say, but that would never happen. I guess it is for the "greater good" as Hot fuzz so elloquently put it.

Fuck econ, eager salespeople, drunks, sluts, smokers, dumbasses,

hicks, walmart, parents, slow drivers, that person with the z3 hatchback,

high school, fat people, indecision, 11:11, hairy ladies, organized religion

and life.



I'm tired.
sleep.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Crazy

I feel like I'm going crazy. It hasn't even been summer more than two days and I can already tell that this summer will be the worst. Without my car and friends to do anything, I'm stuck at home with only chores to do because I am such a lazy jerk.

Summer school is a...no economics is a waste of my life. Summer school is an instrument of icy cold severance from what summer should be. I mean icy cold in the literal sense. If that school got any colder I might start pissing ice cubes. If that wasn't enough I got stuck with the one teacher who thinks getting out ten minutes early is a godsend. We have to skip our ten minute break to get out when every other teacher decides "why not let them go?". It is just ridiculous.

I think I might actually eat something for dinner tonight. I don't recall what there has been, but Yesterday was hamburger patties...no buns, just a chunk of cooked cow. I wish my life could go somewhere that there aren't...people.

.Screaming babies.Slamming doors.
.Somebody Get Me Out of Here.

Powered by ScribeFire.