Break is over and now it is time to become grounded. I really think I am not the same person when I have free time. Its like when I have nothing important to think about I make decisions that will eventually backfire. It is my flaw...one of many. This one is different because I really am beginning to understand that my job is going to be my life. I want a job that takes up my free time, yet that free time is when your life happens. I guess I don't really want to live my life for myself. It is more for others and I know that I could work my whole life and still be nobody. Hell. I expect it, but I don't know exactly why I want my life to be practically non-existant. Am I just scared of living life?
Here I am trying to make up for the huge break in my blogs, but I can't really say anything that I want to. If I actually said the things I am thinking it would be horrible for those around me. Its like my mind is set on self-destruct. Sad thing is I don't think that I mind. I run of that feeling of despair. I hunger for it, constantly chasing the things out of my reach. Its my motivation, my only reason for living. I want things I can't have, but what if I got them? Would I really be happy? Am I really happy? I would have to say that I'm not. I'm being tortured by myself and the fact that I know of things that should have been followed through with. This year has been mistakes so far. I'm ready to get what I need. What do I need? A little thing called a heart. I know that people really think I am this fun happy guy, but some of you have seen me at my down times, but I doubt you understood it. I want to feel, but it seems to be out of my reach.
Here I am trying to make up for the huge break in my blogs, but I can't really say anything that I want to. If I actually said the things I am thinking it would be horrible for those around me. Its like my mind is set on self-destruct. Sad thing is I don't think that I mind. I run of that feeling of despair. I hunger for it, constantly chasing the things out of my reach. Its my motivation, my only reason for living. I want things I can't have, but what if I got them? Would I really be happy? Am I really happy? I would have to say that I'm not. I'm being tortured by myself and the fact that I know of things that should have been followed through with. This year has been mistakes so far. I'm ready to get what I need. What do I need? A little thing called a heart. I know that people really think I am this fun happy guy, but some of you have seen me at my down times, but I doubt you understood it. I want to feel, but it seems to be out of my reach.
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1 comment:
Keep up the good work.
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